I haven’t written for a while… partially, because I don’t know where the fuzzy line of legality lies, so I am going to use the rule of thumb I learned in my 20 years of being a Landmark Education graduate: you can share your own experience to your heart’s desire.

So I am sharing my own experience of Pam Ragland’s work, “Quantum Thought Shifting” which is an 8-month program, and I am in the middle of it…

There is a distinction that I never heard before Pam’s program, called “caretaking.”

It is a crafty little distinction, because on the surface it seems that it teaches you to be selfish, but that is really just the very surface.

You are caretaking if there is no winner. Neither you win, nor the one you “caretake”.

I did not think it applied to me, but then again, Pam said, that caretaking drains your energy, and increases your negativity.

So I started to pay attention to my energy level (and how much work I got done in a day), and my negativity level (in my case bitterness, or the lack of ambition, enthusiasm, sleeping well).

A few weeks ago I started to notice that I am quite forceful in wanting to give (to everyone, especially people that I diagnosed as they could use my help.) It wasn’t without pleasure, especially when they didn’t say no.

One day I found out that one of those people actually didn’t want and didn’t need my help, in fact he was way ahead of me in a class we are taking together, because he seems to have more energy, and he seems to ask for help when he needs it. He didn’t ask for help from me. I felt crushed, but I started to pay attention. I suspected a pattern here…

The next door neighbor, when he went to rehab about 15 months ago, asked me to take care of his cat. I have been taking extreme hardship to take care of the cat, and I am noticing that the cat is neither grateful, nor is the experience a rewarding one.

When I look back at my life, it seems that I have “shacked up” with people who “needed my help” only to end up unappreciated, and often dumped.

The only common denominator is me. Hm. Interesting.

So it seems that the pattern is that I “help” unsolicited, I am unappreciated, and I am crushed.

When I looked what is underneath that, I saw that there is an underlying conviction that I am not wanted for myself, that I need to earn my keep, that I am on borrowed time, and that I am buying a sense of belonging.

Now, since the “shift” all of these “truths” have become less controlling of my life, but they are obviously there, given these new acts of caretaking/victimhood.

The homework has been to identify a negative emotion and replace it with a positive… I think the negative emotion is something like I am ALONE, and the positive could be, I am FREE. A free agent… wow, what an insight. I have created ties, chains and bonds to create a sense of belonging, but it did not work that way.

Just the thought of being a free agent brings a lightness to my heart, a fluttering, a joy, tears into my eyes. I have never been a free agent! (This is how you know that free agent is not an “IS” but is an attitude, a state of mind, a “BEING”. In Landmark we used to create beings all the time, it never occurred for me to create free agent as a being.

Amazing. This stuff really works. Thank you Pam, thank you Landmark.

Caretaking case study — Healing and Reflections is a post from: Sophie's Blog

If a worm is in an apple, its view of the world is that it’s white and moist. But when it works its way out, what does it see? There is a whole world out there with a different landscape.

This is how we live.

We’re stuck inside our own minds yet we think we see the whole picture. We don’t. We need others’ views to help us see the truth.

Does your world look limited or hopeless? Find someone who loves you and talk to them. Really talk to them. If you need to, you can talk to me… just email to make sure I have time.

Inside/outside perspectives is a post from: Sophie's Blog

The crucial moment of the Elite Trainers Boot Camp, for me, was in a breakthrough exercise. We were told that we had only 24 hours to live, and were asked to write down all the stuff that we regretted, never completed, dreamed about and never went for… I didn’t have much on my sheet. I heard heavy breathing, an occasional sob. I was peaceful.

Then we were lead to where the “execution” would take place, and before we were blindfolded, we were reminded that this will be the last glance we would have at the world. I looked around, and noticed how blue the lake was, how striking the reflecting of the trees looked in the water, and had a deep pain in my heart. I found something that I wanted.

In the whole process, while blindfolded, I was seeing the lake and the trees, and I was softly weeping. Other than that image, I was very OK to die. It was long overdue.

In fact, 37 years overdue.

I “lost” the desire to live in February of 1969. On the night of December 30th I had a one-night stand, and got pregnant. I was sick every morning, so I decided to interrupt the pregnancy, in spite of the fact that I was in the middle of midterm… 3rd year architecture student, a tough year for everyone, pregnant or not.

I scheduled the abortion on the phone, went to the hospital early-early morning. The gynecologist, someone I knew, was an older woman… it turned out, it was her last day at work before she retired.

She decided to teach a lesson, she said, so she performed the abortion without pain killers or anesthesia, forced me to look at the bloody fetus, and called me a whore.

After the surgery I took the bus to the University, because I had an exam that same afternoon. I never stopped to think or process what happened, just went through the motion.

Later that year I was hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts. They never left me. I never developed anything of my own to live for. I have lived because I set up my life such that I was needed. What got me up in the morning is what others needed me to do.

I had no desire: even chocolate has bored me. Until that exercise… That blue water, the striking reflection of the trees on that lake… that was for ME, and that, ever so trifle, is worth getting up in the morning.

Thank you.
Sophie

My Truth is a post from: Sophie's Blog

My beautiful girl friend Larisa Belliveau is working on a new project: marketing cell phone shields that seem to make talking on the cell phone less bothersome, and hopefully prevent brain cancer. Especially teenagers are at risk: their brain is still in the development stage, and brain cancer is on the rise. I will inform you about the developments: I will do some of her marketing. To be continued…

What Larisa is working on… is a post from: Sophie's Blog

I came back last Friday from the Ultimate Leadership camp quite ill… my upper lip was covered with fever blisters, about 20 bruises from paint ball, shivering and incoherent.

I made a stop at my chiropractor and then went to sleep about 50 hours of severely disturbed sleep: I was marching with my squad mates in my dream, delirious, exhausted.

It took me till Tuesday to be able stay up and get some work done, but I felt very tired and took frequent breaks.

On Wednesday I called my Kabbalah teacher for advice: when I came to, I noticed that my place was in complete disarray, and that I felt really bad about myself. We had a short conversation, and then I went to sleep with the intention to get some answers to my burning questions: to become a better person.

In the middle of the night I had a dream where I was up to my knees in trash in my apartment, and I was disgusted and depressed. Then I had a message come to me: I have the tools to restore myself and my place, and become a person who finishes things that she starts.

I woke up before the sun, and knew what I needed to do: I made a list of all the major unfinished business I had, especially my apartment, and felt ready to attack it. I thought it was going to take 3 days, but alas, the first day, yesterday, I got only 4 things done on my list of over 20 items, so it will take longer, but I feel encouraged: just 4 things have made a dent in the mess: I actually see that it works, so I am not going to give up.

Amazing breakthrough: I am the kind of person who follows through and finishes what she starts. That is the new me! I am proud of myself, and I am grateful for the message and the Light’s support.

Yaay!

What’s new… and how I turned things around is a post from: Sophie's Blog